My story is, I believe in Que Sera Sera
Indra Jasuja interviewed by Charmaine Wells (Content Manager)
This was about 22 years ago. Both my husband and I were visiting our son, who was newly married, in Bangalore. A little before we were about to go back home, I noticed something which was the thing that saved me. I felt a little prick in my breast and when I touched it, there was a hard lump. I said to myself, this is it! I don’t know why but, I had this feeling that it was breast cancer. I went to the mirror in the bathroom and saw a big lump. It was night time and I didn’t tell anybody because I thought it wasn’t something you conveyed at night. The next morning, I asked my daughter-in- law to recommend a gynaecologist. She was perplexed as to why I, who had undergone a pan-hysterectomy, wanted to see a gynaecologist? When I told her, we immediately went to see the doctor. I did not even wait for one day. As soon as we went the gynaecologist confirmed that it was cancer. She then took me to a surgical oncologist. The surgeon said that because of my awareness we were able to detect the cancer in the early stages. The surgeon suggested a lumpectomy. At that time, lumpectomy was absolutely new, so I said “I’m in your hands”.
I believe in fatalism, to tell you the truth. I thought to myself, whatever God has ordained for me will happen and I had full faith in my doctor. Full faith in whosoever it was, maybe a God, maybe a light or maybe nature or whatever it is, I can’t name it but it is there. So, immediately, in two days everything was done. We came home, it was a Saturday. Everything was settled and Wednesday I was supposed to get operated upon. My children had previously arranged to go for a picnic on Sunday and I said, let’s go. They were quite reluctant but I said, “Why not? I don’t know how many days I have left, let’s go.” So on Sunday, I got up and cooked everything for them. I wasn’t sure if I would get another chance to cook. So we went Nandi Hills for a picnic and we had a ball.
Wednesday came and the lumpectomy was done. The doctor said you have to go through brachytherapy. Brachytherapy is where they put nodes inside you, and you have to be away from the family, you are isolated and the isotopes are injected into the nodes slowly. One of our friends had undergone it and had a very bad reaction. I always say, cancer patients have the right to refuse the treatment if they think they are not going to be comfortable with it. I said, “Forget it! Let me die.” The doctor understood that I was very much against it. He refrained from it but he also felt that in my case, chemo was not required. He did refer me to a specialist for radiation. He sent me to Marie Curie in Bangalore. The doctor over there also was of the opinion that radiation was not required. We used to live in Chandigarh in those days so upon our return to Chandigarh, I had been advised to see a local doctor. When I saw the oncologist in Chandigarh, he felt that I needed to take radiation because if I did not, there were chances of a recurrence. I went through with it and that’s all! I never had a recurrence and I have been cancer free since then. I even went on to walking the ramp for the Festival of Hope, as a cancer survivor.
But years later, I had another problem! My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about 12 years back. I don’t think I felt that anxious when I had cancer but, when he was diagnosed it was as if the whole world had fallen apart. At that time I was volunteering in hospitals and I thought that my best would be to make him comfortable. The doctor told us he was in the fourth stage and gave him four months to live. I told the doctor, “Look, I don’t want a miracle. What I want is to make his life meaningful, whatever is left of it and make him so comfortable that he does not suffer.” Hats off to the doctor! I was at Batra at that time and the doctor was Dr. Sapna Nagia. In the middle of the night if I gave her a call (at 2 at night) she would pick up the phone and talk to me. She would tell me what needed to be done. People say all sorts of negative things when they are battling an illness but I say thank God that there is so much of goodness in this world. The more I see people, the more I meet doctors, the more it reinforces my faith in humanity. I think oncologists are the most humane people on this earth. I’m not talking about myself, even otherwise. I have been working with many doctors. Anytime, anybody gives a ring, even in the middle of the night, they will answer the phone and tell them what to do. I mean to say how rich is this world, we are all the time complaining, we don’t realise there are very few doctors and many many patients.
My story is, I believe in Que sera sera, what is happening, what will happen, will happen. The only thing is that I have to do my duty and should not have any regrets of not having done something. I’m a great believer in the Gita, अपना करम करो ताकि यह आपको feel न हो कि मैंने यह नहीं किया | Guilt की feeling नहीं होनी चाहिए कि अगर मैं यह करता तो यह होता, यह नहीं करता तो यह होता | यह feeling नहीं होनी चाहिए | That is what I follow. Now I find so many people are being afflicted with this disease and there is no reason behind it.
Most of the patients and their caregivers feel that if anything happens to the patient, it is the doctor’s fault. They do not realise that they have taken the patient to the doctor when the disease in already in the last stages, what can the doctor do. If you go with the feeling that the doctor will make the patient comfortable, that should be more than enough. Make your life meaningful. Every day that you live, it should be a meaningful life. Now I am 81 years old, I feel for another 4 years if I can live a good life I will be very happy. But if I confine myself to the bed, what is the need for such a life. So it is that that one should bear in mind, that whatever is left to us should be meaningful. Every day should be a blessing. My husband was a terminal patient and he was very fond of cards. What I used to do for him was, I would call everybody twice a week to the house and I would tell him to come play cards for one hour and then take a rest. He would go rest and come back after one hour. Every day I would take him to the park, make him sit in the sun in the winters. Even 15/20 minutes were enough. Just so that he got out of house and had some outdoor activity. If people wanted to come, I would ask him how he was feeling. I would give 15 minutes for people to come visit him, so that he wasn’t cut off from the world. He didn’t have the energy to talk to people. He became very weak as he didn’t feel like eating. The medication started taking its toll. Everyday people would visit him for 15 minutes so that he could communicate a little and not become a recluse.
Palliative care for terminally ill patients has to be dealt with very differently. We have to focus on making them happy and comfortable. That is the best thing!
And now, this has become my life. I am a clinical psychologist; you can come and talk to me. We are a community and anybody who has issues dealing with the illness or with a loved one’s care, can come and talk to me. This is my way of helping out.